This next blog entry has taken me some time to write. This is in fact my third attempt, after a long break to reflect on the 2nd attempt and the 1st attempt is not really worth discussing. You see, what I wanted to tell you about was the bond that was formed between Mum, Bob and I on our trip from London to Bristol on Kevin James; I wanted to tell you about how each of us had someone we were missing. How Bob had lived for 20 years on a canal boat with his wife until she got dementia and this was the first time he had spent more than a day away from her. How mum and dad had always dreamed of owning their very own boat together and now here we were fulfilling that dream together in his name. How I too had shared that dream with the man I love but unfortunately we had not survived the journey together and sadly parted ways just before we were able to realise our dream. To tell you of how this journey for each of us was so much more than just the destination; It was a journey of strength, of memories, of loss, of pride, of nostalgia, of proof, of self worth, of achievement, of reclaiming our lives. We found not only solace but also we found joy and companionship in the company of each other. We formed an unspoken bond and a memory that will stay with all of us for a long, long time.
…But as I wrote about this I found myself unable to be as open and honest as I would like, unable to really take you on that journey with me and tell you all I learned about myself; I don’t feel it is my place to divulge the emotional journeys of Mum and Bob but I am not one for shouting about my own private life either. When other people are involved it becomes not only a choice of my own privacy but theirs and that is not a decision I can make alone… So I wrote and I wrote, trying to find metaphors and examples to tell you without really ‘telling you’… but it felt empty and weak and not something I even wanted to re-read. But what I did stumble on in my ramblings was this; my 2nd attempt began as follows:
“It’s my first night home alone…
This is my home now. “
And over the next few days I started to really think about what home was to me… I came to the conclusion that; home has always meant many different things to me; Since leaving home at 19 I have moved around to many different places: over my 32 years I have called so many places ‘home’. Someone asked me the other day: “so where do you call home?” and I said: “wherever I am at the time.” But I don’t think that is strictly true; I have lived some places that I have not really called home in every sense of the word and in the same respect even when I have lived places that I have called home, I would still go home to see my mum. So maybe home can be many places at once… I guess what this means is, home is where I feel most connected to at any moment in my life. I have a link on my keys that holds all my ‘home’ keys and I realised the other day that there are now 5 keys on there. All keys to different places that I would still consider ‘home’, I would still feel completely at home in all 5 of them. But right now they are all overshadowed by my connection to my new home, my very own home, the place that instantly felt like home, the place that feels so completely me that I truly believe we were destined to be together just me and my home; The Kevin James.
As a creative person pursuing a passion that I love more than I can really explain to you, there is very little time or space for convention. My life is wholly unconventional and sometimes it is to my detriment but always it comes down to one thing and one thing only… music. So having a space that I can call home and knowing that it can come with me along this crazy journey is a comfort that I have not felt before.
Every other home I have had I have always known that I would one day leave but with kevin James, I feel like we are going to be together forever!
I watched a lovely Ted Talk tonight, which sums up home really well: In it Elizabeth Gilbert talks about home being to do with love, which is what I believe all the keys on my key-ring have in common; In each of those places I felt/feel love. My favourite line from the talk is: “Your home is whatever in this world you love more than you love yourself”. Well for me, the ones that remain constant in my life and are the reason I call each of those 5 places and many more ‘home’ is Music, Family and Friends. Whatever your home is be sure to realise that it is not the bricks and wallpaper that make it that way, it is the love that you feel within it. If your happiness is ever challenged or tested and you feel uncertain of whom you are and what you’re capable of… Just go ‘home’ and it will all be ok.